listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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