How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
