I am in a vortex of obligation.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
