my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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