i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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