Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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