So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
cat food counts as protein by the way
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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