Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize