please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
