yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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