Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
