The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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