Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
