Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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