This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
