last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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