I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Drunk is a universal language darling
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
