you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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