My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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