is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
