your parents love me but you hate me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
