Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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