today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Maybe he injected his testicle?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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