mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
