We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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