Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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