I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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