Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
