can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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