Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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