I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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