Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
