Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize