Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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