I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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