We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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