He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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