I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
