my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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