Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
