Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
