Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize