Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Randomize
