The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
