we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Is Oprah even human
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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