All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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