Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
