her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
