i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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