Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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