Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize
