Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
