There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
