Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
