literally had 100 drinks last night.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Randomize