i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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