I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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