Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
