I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
