i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
