"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
