first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I stole a fireplace last night.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
