he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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