Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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